In December 2020 FKA twigs, singer-songwriter, dancer, and actor, spoke out about the abuse she experienced while dating Shia LaBeouf.

On February 18, Gale King interviewed FKA twigs and asked the question that survivors are exhausted by. King even knew in the asking of her question that it can be harmful as Teen Vogue points out:

When King asked twigs why she didn't leave the relationship, noting that she wonders if the question is “appropriate".

Twigs gave the best possible answer that shines a light on the victim blaming while also giving people the question to ask that puts the responsibility on abusers not survivors:

“I think we have to stop asking that question. The question should really be to the abuser: 'Why are you holding someone hostage with abuse?' People say it can't have been that bad, because else you would've left. But it's like, no, it's because it was that bad, I couldn't leave.”

Shut it down

All of the props, high fives, and adulations in the world to twigs for shutting down this question and refusing to answer.

Survivors and advocates have been answering , ‘Why didn’t you just leave?’ for decades.

Repeating statistics* hasn’t worked. It’s time to refuse the question and put the responsibility for abuse on the abuser.

What we’re really asking

Our culture doesn’t want to admit that abuse is normalized or that the power we admire so much can be used in harmful ways.

We have had plenty of opportunities to have this conversation. Survivors have reminded folks that abuse is not random or just one person’s problem, but supported by systems of violence and that it shouldn’t be on individual survivors to break down those abusive systems.

When we ask questions to survivors like ‘Why didn’t you just leave?’, we’re saying that survivors have the power to control the abuse that they are experiencing and that survivors could’ve stopped it if they were ‘strong enough’. We’re also sending the message that we don’t believe that the abuse happened at all. If it was that controlling and dangerous, you would’ve just up and left right? RIGHTTTTT????

We’ve had enough examples (Marilyn Manson, Woody Allen, Harvey Weinstein, Joss Whedon, Roman Polanski, and so many more) to believe that abuse is common place.

A massive culture shift around how we think about the dynamics of violence needs to happen and this education shouldn’t happen at the expense of survivors careers and health.

The House is burning

Yet again, Julie Lalonde, sums it up perfectly:

Supporting Survivors

How can we respond differently when survivors tell us their experiences of abuse?

Step zero is learn more about the dynamics of violence! START TODAY! Watch videos, follow awesome folks on social media, understand the common coping strategies survivors use, read articles, acknowledge when you get victim blaming feelings, and cultivate a friend group that you can have these hard and vulnerable convos about accountability.

Having a better understanding of what’s going on for survivors will mean that you’re much more likely to have friends, family, and co-workers trust you and approach you for support.

Be ready to:

• Believe them.

• Let them know it’s not their fault. They did not cause the assault.

• Listen. Listen. Listen. This can be really difficult as we want to jump in and help, but please sit with them and listen. It can be a really big gift to your friend.

• Validate what ever feelings they are having. There is no right or wrong way to feel after an assault.

• Ask their permission before doing research or sharing their story. Sexual assault takes a tremendous amount of power away from survivors. Trusting survivors to make their own decisions after an assault is key.

• Ask if they’d like to explore options instead of giving advice. Avoid ‘shoulds’ , ‘musts’, and pressuring your friend to do what you think is right. Survivors get to choose what happens next. You can ask if they would like more information about getting medial care, collecting evidence, or reporting options, and as supporters, we have to be OK with the possibility of hearing ‘no’. Get to know the resources that they might need. Click here to learn about Dawson City helpers.

• Get support for yourself. It can be tremendously hard to sit with a friend who has been hurt. You deserve support too. The tricky part can be getting confidential support. You’re the expert at taking care of yourself and know that DWS’ 24 Hour Support Line has got your back to help to brainstorm resources and with confidential supportive listening - 867.993.5086.

*The Stats you’ve been looking for

• Every six days, a woman in Canada is killed by her intimate partner

• Canadians collectively spend $7.4 billion to deal with the aftermath of spousal violence alone

• Half of all women in Canada have experienced at least one incident of physical or sexual violence since the age of 16

• Indigenous women are killed at six times the rate of non-Indigenous women

• 70% of spousal violence is not reported to the police

• About 26% of all women who are murdered by their spouse had left the relationship

• Half of the murdered women were killed within two months of leaving the relationship

• Women are 6 times more likely to be killed by an ex-partner than by a current partner

• Many women say that they were abused by a partner after the relationship ended, and that the violence escalated following a break-up

• Almost 60% of all dating violence happens after the relationship has ended

• Some women stay because the abuser has threatened to harm or kill a household pet. In one study, 57% of survivors of domestic violence had their pet killed by an abusive partner

• Women sometimes stay because they are financially dependent on their partner; leaving an abusive relationship may involve a choice between violence and poverty:

  • More than 1.5 million women in Canada live on a low income

  • Women who leave a partner to raise children on their own are five times more likely to be poor than if they had stayed

  • About 1 in 5 single mothers in Canada live on a low income

• Some women stay because they have strong beliefs about keeping the family together. Sometimes, relatives or in-laws blame the woman for the violence and insist she stay.

• The mental health consequences of abuse can make it difficult for women to leave a relationship. Sixty-four per cent of abused women exhibit symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

• Domestic abuse is often a gradual process, with the frequency of assaults and seriousness of the violence slowly escalating over time. Since abusers often express deep remorse and promise to change, it can take years for women to admit that the violence will never stop and the relationship is unsalvageable. The long-term experience of being abused can destroy a woman’s self-confidence, making it more difficult for her to believe that she deserves better treatment, that she can find the courage to leave, or that she can manage on her own.

All facts collected by Canadian Women’s Foundation.

You Deserve Support

Did the media coverage of FKA twigs bring up anything for you? DWS has got your back. Suvivors and their allies can call anytime for supportive listening - 867.993.5086.

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